Hi everyone, Shalom Aleichem!
Good morning GanSist everyone! 
Welcome back to Superwoman Seriesthe 134th. In several previous series, this series has discussed the importance of building healthy self-esteem, avoiding people pleasing, developing discipline, maintaining physical health, and strengthening mental health. All of these discussions have the same common thread, namely forming women who are strong physically, mentally, socially and spiritually.
However, there are two habits that are often considered a sign of gentleness or humility, but if done excessively they can actually hinder personal development. These two habits are always running away from problems and constantly trying to please everyone. Both of these behaviors often seem safe at first. No arguments. No suffering. No apparent conflict. However, behind this false calm, a feeling of fear, low self-esteem and dependency often grows stronger.
A strong woman is not a woman who always avoids problems, but a woman who is able to differentiate when to run for safety and when to face problems calmly and responsibly.
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Running away from problems is not always wrong, but don’t glorify it
Humans have a natural response when faced with a threat, known as a response fight, flightor freeze. In conditions of real danger, choosing to flee can be the most appropriate decision, for example when being chased by a wild animal, when facing a natural disaster, when there is a threat of violence, or when the situation truly endangers safety. In such circumstances, moving away from the source of danger is a very good action.
However, problems arise when the habit of “running” is no longer done to avoid danger, but rather to avoid any suffering, avoid important conversations, avoid responsibility, avoid criticism, avoid suggestions from others, and avoid learning opportunities for fear of failure. Little by little, these habits make a person lose the opportunity to develop.
Psychology calls this kind of pattern avoidance copingnamely a strategy to deal with pressure by continuously running away from the source of pressure. Research shows that this pattern can be associated with increased anxiety, prolonged stress, and difficulty solving problems in the long term.
Problems that are avoided rarely actually go away. Often times, the problem actually becomes bigger because it is not resolved immediately.
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Avoiding All Conflict Is Not a Sign of Wisdom
Not a few people are proud to say that they never argue. At first glance, that sounds good.
However, it is necessary to distinguish between loving peace and running away from problems. Wise people are able to express opinions politely when necessary, dare to apologize when they are wrong, and also dare to say no when a request exceeds their limits. On the other hand, people who always avoid conflict often harbor disappointment and choose to remain silent, but their hearts are full of burden. Over time, this pressure can turn into anger that explodes at the wrong time.
Healthy communication does not mean always agreeing. Healthy communication means being able to express differences of opinion with respect.
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People Pleasing is not a form of love
In Superwoman Series #129, we discussed that loving is different from pleasing people. Loving means loving others after first loving yourself. On the other hand, people pleasing is the habit of ignoring one’s own needs in order to gain acceptance from others.
Someone who keeps saying “yes” even though they really want to say no will find it increasingly difficult to recognize their own needs. His self-esteem slowly depended on praise. A sense of security depends on the approval of others. As a result, self-confidence becomes fragile. When the praise is gone, he feels worthless.
In fact, healthy self-confidence is built through quality, competence, experience and integrity, not solely through social acceptance.
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People Pleasing Can Inhibit Other People’s Independence
There are other impacts that are often forgotten. People pleasing is not only detrimental to the perpetrators. Under certain conditions, This habit is also a form of non-physical violence, because it can hinder the development of other people.
For example, someone always protects his friends from problems, always completes the responsibilities of group members, and always takes over family work that other members are actually capable of doing.
If this continues to happen, other people lose the opportunity to learn. They get used to being spoiled. Not because their abilities are limited, but because there is always someone willing to take over.
In educational psychology, the concept is known that humans develop through experience of facing challenges. When every challenge is always solved by someone else, the opportunity to learn and build independence is reduced.
Helping is always a good deed.
However, healthy assistance aims to make someone more capable of standing on their own, not more spoiled.
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Women’s Self-Esteem Isn’t Built by Validation
Many women feel that they must always be liked, must always be friendly, must always be fun, and must always meet everyone’s expectations. However, that is impossible. No person is liked by everyone. The sooner someone accepts this reality, the lighter their life will be.
Women who have strong self-esteem don’t spend all their energy chasing validation. Precious women prefer to improve their abilities, learn new things, maintain health, exercise, develop empathy, and build integrity. It is qualities like these that will earn women respect in the long run.
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Dare to Face Life
Courage does not mean never being afraid. Courage means continuing to do the right thing even though fear is still there. Dare to apologize, admit mistakes, dare to refuse bad invitations, dare to express opinions politely, dare to learn new things, and dare to accept constructive criticism. All of this is a form of courage that is much more important than just physical courage.
People who keep running away may feel comfortable today. However, this comfort is often paid for by lost growth opportunities.
On the other hand, people who are willing to face challenges will suffer for a while, but usually gain new abilities that will be useful throughout life.
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CLOSURE
As part of Superwoman Series #134, the main message of the series is simple. Run away if there is a real danger that threatens your safety. It was the best decision. However, don’t make the habit of running away as a way to deal with every problem in life.
Likewise with people pleasing. Caring is a noble trait, but caring that sacrifices self-esteem, eliminates healthy boundaries, and causes others to lose independence is no longer a healthy form of empathy.
A strong woman is not a woman who always avoids conflict or always pleases everyone. Strong women are those who are able to face reality with a cool head, maintain their self-esteem without demeaning others, and help others in ways that make them grow.
Because, true courage is not running away from every problem, but knowing when to avoid danger and when to stand tall in the face of life.
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SOURCE
American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress effects on the body. American Psychological Association.
Carver, C. S., Scheier, M. F., & Weintraub, J. K. (1989). Assessing coping strategies: A theoretically based approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 56(2)267-283.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1)68-78.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being. Free Press.
World Health Organization. (2022). Mental health: Strengthening our response. World Health Organization.
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